Friday, July 15, 2011

Nuka vs. The Land Walrus presents 6 Alternative Uses for your pet

     Dogs are great for many reasons.  They make fine companions, they encourage you to get outside and exercise and they are always happy to see you, no matter what.  But if you have become bored with your canine companion, I would like to present to you some alternative uses for your furry friend.

1. Alarm System

     Some people complain about a dog that barks too much, but they are really overlooking a positive quality in their pet.  Save on your Brinks bill by getting a dog that does bark when the door opens, or the window opens, or a slight breeze rustles a tree.  This is an easy notification system for you that not only works for potential criminals, but also for wayward teenagers sneaking in after curfew.

2. Scapegoat

     Passed gas?  Knocked over your mom's prized African violet?  Ate the last piece of pie?  Solution  - Blame the dog!  A simple cry of, "Oh, Nuka!" (Insert your pet's name here) will often suffice.  The key to pulling this off is the amount of sincerity in your voice with the delivery.  As a bonus, dogs do not mind taking the blame as long as you slip them a cookie while they are banished to their bed.

3. Heater

     If you live in a cold climate like I do, you know damn well that sometimes, like in the grips of February, for instance, no amount of central heating will suffice.  This is when you should take a good, long, look at your dog.  See how he is covered in fur?  He also possesses a regular body temperature that is higher then yours, making him a perfect heating pad.  Maybe it is time to let Fido sleep on the bed with you, at least during ice storms.

Duke's Belly = Foot Warmer

4. Vacuum/Swiffer

     In my experience, basset hounds work best in this role, but I'm sure other dogs would preform equally well if given the chance.  Don't feel like vacuuming?  Cutting carrots and they keep flying off the counter?  Spilled milk on the floor and can only sigh?  Now is the time to let the dog into the kitchen.  Just let him go at it, and in no time whatsoever the mess that you just made will be clean, and as an added bonus, your dog just got a tasty treat!  This ability becomes far more pronounced around eating and walking toddlers, who your dog can follow around and clean up the mess as it is being made.  Good dog!

5. Accessory

     I'm not a huge fan of dog clothes, but I do like collars and bandannas.  Celebrate the season with a festive collar or a Christmas bandanna.  Not a holiday?  No problem!  Your local fabric store will cheaply furnish you with all kinds of fabrics and colours that can be easily folded into a snazzy kerchief.  Coordinate outfits with your pup!  If you have more then one dog, then take the dog that best suits your mood.  Feeling saucy?  Take Nuka, that sassy redhead and give her a fiery colour scheme.  Want to meet some new people?  Throw a mellow blue on your freaking adorable basset hound, and head to the park!

Nivek's black fur looks stunning against this festive Halloween orange number!  Tres chic!

6. Unwanted Human Scatterer

     I know from personal experience that a German Shepherd works very well for this, but I'm sure that any motivated canine could do a stand up job.  Tired of door to door solicitors?  Had enough of those loud, screaming kids running around outside your house?  The solution, my friends, is literally standing on your toes!  Leave just your screen door closed and stop giving the dog trouble for barking at the door, let them go nuts!  You won't get any more of that pesky mail that's been plaguing you and door to door solicitations will drop dramatically.  Still not enough?  Eye up those annoying children and then eye up your dog.  Then just do what you both know you want to, open the door!  Let your dog, preferably one who is friendly at heart, but has serious psychological problems that make her run and bark like a raving fool, out, just let her out like a barking maniac, and boy oh boy, watch those kids scatter to the four corners of the earth in record time.  Ah, finally, some peace and quiet!*

     As you can see, your pet dog has many uses.  If you are ready to spice up your relationship, try one of these alternative uses for your pet.  You will both be entertained and brought closer together by exploring new and wonderful experiences, together.

*Nuka vs. The Land Walrus accepts no responsibility if your dog mauls someone, bites someone, proceeds to chase a car down the street or sees something shiny and doesn't come back when called.


  1. You speak truth. My dogs perform like machines.


    Animals are also good therapists. I come home and abuse mine, usually whilst lying on the couch - and in the end I feel a whole lot better. So does the cat because I usually feel bad and give him some chicken or something LOL

  3. Funny. Can we blame Nuka for the National Debt Crisis?

  4. Sure! She is a trouble maker, I'm sure she was involved somehow.